So after reading this post, instead of hiding my feelings from God, I decided to be totally and completely honest with him. I went to the notes app on my phone and typed out everything I was thinking. I told him how I was frustrated. How life was unfair. How things were not going as I had planned. How there was never just a normal moment in my life. Everything always had to be complicated. And how I knew I was being selfish (because let's be honest...life was definitely not fair for Jesus). Basically I was complaining. Which is ridiculous because in the grand scheme of things I have absolutely nothing that I should be complaining about. But I'm human.
At the end though, I asked God to change my heart. I stated that I didn't want to feel this way but I did.
It was so freeing.
I think so many times, I'm trying to prove to God that I'm this great person who always has positive thoughts and feelings and that I love every aspect of this life he gave me. That is a bold face lie. I'm unintentionally lying to God. And he knows it.
God knows that life is unfair. He didn't make it to be fair. He knows that I'm frustrated. He knows that I'm struggling with situations.
In typing, God layed on my heart the story of the gospel. I remembered that Jesus' life wasn't fair. He didn't want to endure the things he was put on earth to do. He didn't want His life to end the way it did. In fact, in Luke 22:42 Jesus says "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me - nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."He asked God to take the cup that he was presented away from him. But God didn't. He chose Jesus. He prepared Jesus. And he gave Jesus the strength to endure the cross. In the next verse it says "Then an angel form heaven appeared to him, strengthening him." Jesus was honest with God. But he did as God said because it was God's will and God provided him with the strength necessary to take on what was set before him.
I heard the other day something that really stuck with me. "God picked us to live through these times." I kind of stopped in my tracks when I heard this. Of all the people God has ever created, He picked me. To live during a pandemic. To live through a crazy political time. To live with so many terrible things going on that it's overwhelming to even talk about. To live during a time when the world feels like it is going to come crashing down at my door step. He picked me. And he also picked you.
I say all of these out of order random thoughts to help you see that its OK to be frustrated. It's OK to be honest with God. He wants us to be honest with him. But even if God decides that this is our cup to drink from...we can do it. He has given us the power and the strength to live it out. He personally picked me and you. But we have to rely on him. He is the only way we will get through this thing we call life until we can be home with him.
In the end, it's not about us. Even though so many times I try to make it about me. It's about God. And he wins every single time.
"Though the mountains move and the hills shake, my will not be removed from you and my covenant of peace will not be shaken," says your compassionate Lord. Isaiah 54:10