I trust in God

 Last July, Blake and I walked through the hardest thing we’ve ever faced thus far. Our hearts were extremely broken and there was nothing we could do except look to God. In December our church held a conference called “Aleph Bet”. We weren’t able to attend in person but we did stream it each night on YouTube.  One of the nights the worship team was singing “I trust in God”. It was/is a very popular worship song and one that is played often at church. It was a song at, one point in life, that I really loved hearing and clung to some of the lyrics in full hope that God would come through on something really big in our lives. Some of the lyrics are “I sought the Lord and He heard and He answered.” It’s based off of Psalm 34:4. I was very confident that God not only heard what we were praying for but that He was going to answer in the way that we had hoped. I remember hearing those words that night and I looked at Blake sitting on the couch and being very vulnerable said “I really love this song but lately cannot stand it. I believe that God heard us and has answered us. It wasn’t in the way we we thought though. I trust Him but His answer has been so extremely hard and I truly just don’t understand.” I was being a little sarcastic but also honest. The worship leader continued to sing and talk about how we can trust in God, rely on Him and know that He is going to answer us. About 30 seconds after I got done telling Blake about how the song was irritating our pastors wife walked up on the stage (it seemed unplanned but I don’t really know) and grabbed the microphone. She started speaking about how God does always hear us and answers us but it doesn’t mean our prayer will be answered in the way we want. She spoke of people that she personally knew. People that didn’t get the answer they wanted to the prayers they had been praying. People that she had sat with in the hospital with as they lost their child after they had prayed and begged God not to take their child. She said God doesn’t always answer our prayer in the way that we want but that He is still a good God. He’s still a God that loves us and has a plan for us. He’s still a God that we can trust because His plan for our life is so much better than what we could ever imagine. 

I just cried and cried. Someone understood. I have no idea if our pastor’s wife was planning on saying that or if she just felt the need to walk up there and speak but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God was speaking to me through her. 

This July looks a lot different than it did last year. The things that I thought were gone have been returned in ways I could never dream of. This past Sunday the worship pastor who was at the Aleph Bet conference was singing “I trust in God.” I cried again listening to this song but this time they were tears of thankfulness because God indeed has heard some of mine and Blakes prayers and has answered them. They have still not been answered in the way that we had once prayed for but God has been faithful to show us that His plan is better than ours. I’m still not totally sure what God is doing in our situation but I do know that I can trust in Him because He has been so faithful to Blake and I. He has turned something that was bad and turned it into good. He’s not done with it yet and I know He will keep His promise. Ephesians 3:20 says “God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all we ask or think.” He has done just that and no matter what is to come we are on this earth so that He can get the glory and so I will continue to give it to Him. 

All that to say, if you are in a place where God is not answering your prayers in the way you would like, know that He does hear you and He has a plan. No matter the outcome, He’s already won the battle and each day we move closer to spending eternity with Him. 

"You're a mama!"

 

“You’re a mama!”

 

The words I heard three days ago when our foster care worker “Mallory” called to tell me that she had a two-year-old little boy needing a safe place to call home for a little while.

 

Answered prayer.  

 

I was expecting a phone call from “Mallory” but not that one. We had only completed two out of the three home studies in our certification process to become foster parents, but she had said that we could do the third one over the phone. I was expecting more questions. I was expecting more prying. I was expecting more digging. That’s not what I got, and I’ve never been more excited to not get what I was expecting. The last seven months have been a lot. Lots of classes. Lots of training. Lots of paperwork. Lots of phone calls. Lots of cleaning (ha!). If you haven’t noticed…it’s been a lot. But it has also been so worth it. And might I add that I have heard a lot of negativities about the process of becoming a certified foster parent. As said before, it is so much work, but we have had the sweetest and most helpful workers throughout this process. They have worked diligently with us and have been on our side completely. I do not know how the rest of our experience will go with working with the state but the people we have met so far have a heart for these kids and it is an honor to get to meet them.

 

Back to the phone call.

 

I’ve never felt so excited and so heartbroken. I’m overjoyed to finally be able to care for these precious little kids, but I am also extremely heartbroken over the fact that there is a need for this. Y’all there are so many kids out there that need us. If you think there is not, read the paragraph before again. We were not even finished with the certification process before we got a call. There is a great need!

 

I am scared! I’m scared that I will not know what to do. I am scared that I will never sleep again. I am scared that he won’t love us. There are a million and one things running through my mind as we patiently wait for our little one’s arrival. Which is also the most nerve wrecking thing I will ever do. The foster care system is wild and there is no guarantee. There’s a possibility they could call me tonight and tell me that they’ve found a family member that is better suited for this little one. I have been on the edge of my seat for the last three days.

 

We did not have nine months to prepare for this little one. I’ve been scrambling to make sure that we have the necessities so that we can at least make it through one night. But also, how do I know what the necessities are when I’ve never had a child of my own. Terrifying.

 

But let it be known that I have seen God more tangibly in the last three days than I ever have before. He has answered my prayers immediately and given me a peace for His will to be done. He has sent people with items that were desperately needed.  He has given me glimpses of his love for us because I have never loved and worried about a little boy that I have never met or might never meet so much. I have prayed and prayed and prayed so many things over the last three days. I am so extremely grateful for a God who takes a broken situation and makes it whole again. The devil is working but my God is bigger, and He has already won.

 

I do not know what today or tomorrow or even the next day brings. I am laying every bit of this at the feet of Jesus and asking Him to move in ways that only He can. I am trusting Him because I know that His ways are better than mine. A few weeks ago, I cautiously asked God to break my heart for what breaks His and He has done just that.

 

Thank you to everyone single person who has prayed, given, or sent words of encouragement. We could not do this without you. Please continue to pray for us and the little lives that we have the privilege of being a part of. I can’t wait to see what God does.

 

2020

 

2020

 

Most people will probably look back on 2020 and just be thankful that they survived. There have been many times this year where I was just hoping to make it to the next day. I understand that for most 2020 has been the worst year of their life. Living in a time of a pandemic is honestly a little crazy and something I never thought would happen. But here we are.